A habit I’ve developed when leaving a city I’ve lived in for a while is to go around town and tell various things to fuck off. In the past this has included church signs telling me how to live, uncannily dangerous low-traffic intersections, entire neighborhoods, pretentious grocery stores, select security guards, the weather, and countless individuals.

I’m currently in Taipei, Taiwan, just a two-hour bus ride from Bangkok. The heat from time to time rips open whatever it is in our skin that lets the sweat out. Contributor Evan is a doctor. Ask him. All I know is that it’s painful to wake up. I have been saving money by not running my air conditioner. In a typical day I am naked for almost the entire time I’m not drawing a wage. I’m working on the remaining two hours as well. On good days people might say I smell like I’m hickory smoked.

I have a sheen of sweat separating me from my fellow creatures, and my pillow developed a frightening black mold from same sweat. I threw away the pillow without replacing it because things aren’t going to change until I’m outta here, which is soon (I’m really letting the clock run down on my sock situation, too). But I cannot include the heat in this round of fuck offs. I’ve actually grown to like it.

Despite all the rage I’ve felt towards the hecklers, crowds, noise, incompetence, pollution, liars, hypocrites, and casual racists I’ve occasionally encountered here, I’m not compelled to tell any of them to fuck off. Honestly, my only real complaints are the meretricious 40kg hunks of venison masquerading as women and the ubiquitous childproof lighters. In both cases I think the island could stand a little more danger.

Neither of these vexations really merits a fuck off at this point, either. I think the atheist’s only shot at a peaceful death is a lot of practice saying goodbye. Get more of that lip-gloss on this and I won’t notice. Or shove me back on the train and out my own asshole and then I’ll have some perspective. But anywhere you are it’s the people that make the place. For me here this includes dozens of cool people (including Taiwanese women made out of iron and not venison and God bless them) who won’t read this and one who will. He left today less than a week ahead of my “scheduled” departure.What a shame he had to leave before he could wipe the smirk off that monkey’s face. The last encounter ended with the beast mocking us with a light show that went far beyond what nature intended with the red baboon asses and all.

Fuck you Mighty Monkey!