July 2006

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Assumptions 1. Karma is real 2. Global warming will kill

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us all Assuming these are true: Wouldn’t it be better to be a bad person now and come back as a cockroach? They are probably one of the few species that will survive the global catastrophe coming our way.

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In case anyone read my last blathering, and then thought me cynical or something

gay like that, I thought I’d put up a link to a

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Lebanese blog directory of sorts I found on the internet. There’s probably better (by which I mean more easily navigated) directories around but I’m supposed to be working right now: http://openlebanon.org/

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Quote of the Week:

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http://www.guardian.co.uk/israel/Story/0,,1830397,00.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/26/world/middleeast/26cnd-lebanon.html?hp&ex=1153972800&en=d93f9eeccfcc69c0&ei=5094&partner=homepage

And probably every other newspaper you’re likely to glance at before finishing your coffee and doughnut before resuming work will relate to you untold horrors happening halfway across the world from your cubicle, aging automobile and stash of pot you continue to keep in a little cubby somewhere even tho you’re mom’s not gonna find it when she comes to collect your laundry anymore… To most people Lebanon is some foreign place that probably exists but not as much as Disneyland and isn’t really renowned for anything as neat as Chinese food or DVD players or ebola but it has, in fact, been a world-class killing field for quite some time… Idle curiosity blended with half-remembered news briefs over the years prompted a quick glance over my available resources– Martin Gilbert’s “A History of the Twentieth Century” (concise edition) to summarize a Quick and Dirty history of death and destruction- Lebanese style…

Disclaimer: all information contained herein is subject to ignorance, stripped of context and skimmed quickly before I showered today with only a couple cups of coffee to keep my eyes open. I am not a scholar, educated, without bias or knows for getting facts straight or spelling very well.

In 1919 the world was safe for democracy, a victory ensured by a lot of dead Europeans and some Turks who happened to see a good opportunity but failed to capitalize on it… There were some dead Americans as well, shipped overseas by President Wilson and reviled and despised everywhere they went for their rude manners and inability to speak the local lingo… After the smoke had cleared the leaders of the victorious nations created the League of Nations to divvy up the spoils of war, partitioning most of the lands of the African campaigns for mineral rights and economic plundering… Feeling that this proxy enslavement policy was a bit too harsh for white people George Marshall created a seperate plan for conquered Europeans but his decision to dismantle

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military forces shocked and sickened Hitler so much his testicle fell off and the world was gonna feel that one a little later.

Britian and France were eyeing the lush lands of the Middle-East and shot craps over who got what- Iraq and Palestine went to the Brits and Syria and Lebanon were handed over the the French… No one was really sure who got the better deal at first but everyone was really happy that the UK had decided to create a Jewish state in the middle of the Arab world– Europeans had finally found a way to usher the Jews out without looking like bigoted assholes…

Arabs and Jews took to killing each other with a zeal not seen since man invented the bow and arrow which kind of irritated the Brits who were big on law and order and didn’t feel that their authority was being respected… By 1947 domestic economic problems gave them a good excuse to leave the middle east and they began to clear out in droves… The new international body, the UN, was looking for a good project to establish themselves with and decided to mediate a peace-keeping deal which would segregate the Jews and the Arabs which drove the Jews and the Arabs nuts and they intensified the killing of one another… Syria began to host tea-parties thrown by the Arab Liberation Army but didn’t really care to invite the Palestinians

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who no one really liked much, although they were certainly cleaner than the Kurds– don’t get us wrong…

When the last anemic Brits fled for the fog and pollution back home everyone saw a big opportunity for rampant violence and invaded what was beginning to be referred to as Isreal… For whatever reason their superior numbers and deep rooted hatred weren’t enough to overthrow what was a week old quasi-nation and the end result was that some countries lost ground to the Jews and the Palestinians were forced to camp out in Syria, Lebanon, Egypt and Jordan which really pissed everyone off… To make matters even worse for the Arab world a massive migration to Israel commenced from all corners of the world except from Russia where Stalin found he derived great sexual pleasure from their intense suffering…

After taking a breather Egypt decided to provoke another war with Israel and dragged Jordan and Syria into the fray while the US and Russia stroked their nuclear arsenals and winked meaningfully at one another… The US, never comfortable with spending small amounts of money, decided to hand over a portion of their treasury to the Jews and Russia, never comfortable dealing with money, kicked some artillery down to the Arabs… Okay, the US also kicked some guns to the Arabs but they at least got paid for it and we don’t really bring that sort of thing up unless you hate our freedom…

Meanwhile a wiry son of a bitch named Yasser came up with this great idea for a gentlemen’s club called the PLO which he set up in Jordan with some low interest loans and a handshake. They began to terrorize a bunch of confused Europeans who thought they’d washed their hands of the Jews back in ’48 and didn’t really know what an Arab was except for that Arabian Nights book… Airliners exploded and old Jewish people were murdered and the world didn’t make too much of a big deal out of it…

Jordan was a little freaked out at how quickly the PLO gained power and was also a little freaked out that Israel might kick their asses again so they sent Yasser packing– he took his PLO over to Lebanon and found a good deal on a condo in Beirut… He found a disreputable PR firm who decided that the best way for the Palestinians to sell their plight to the international community was by blowing up women and children riding busses in Israel– the only people who thought was keen was Arabs who just thought it was keen as a matter of entertainment and still didn’t want all these fucking smelly camps on their lawn…

Then against all odds Syria and Egypt throw rocks at Israel AGAIN in 1973 and get another whipping but in all the confusion and people scratching their heads saying ‘haven’t we seen this before?’ Yasser bribed an usher at the UN and addressed the General Assembly. They liked his hat and decided not to let the Israeli minister join in the shit-talking so the Israelis call a press conference and declare that they’ve got a nuclear program themselves and how do you like that, huh? It’s not just kosher hot dogs motherfuckers!

The world decided to ignore the middle east for a while because everyone had gotten burned out on acid and love-beads but in 1976 Lebanon exploded into a civil war where every group with more than six members and a machine gun could shoot at any other similar group… In one way it was really a beautiful melting-pot situation where all ethnicities and religions and political idealogies could gather and hate each other and kill one another as equals… Not wanting to lose out on the fun, and my cousin lives there anyway, Iraq and Syria back the Muslims which confused the Palestinians because some of them liked Syria but some didn’t and are we their bitches or what so factions began fighting each other and most people in Beirut were like, shit, where’s my fucking roof?

The Arab league tried to send in a mixed peace force but they were shot at and left…

By the early 80’s the Palestinians had stopped killing each other and decided to just start shelling the fuck out of northern Israel which gave Israel’s Minister of Defence, this real stiff guy named Ariel, a good reason to take his tanks up across the border and see what happens when you run over a six-year-old… He fought his was all the way to Beirut with such ferocity that the Israeli government had to keep apologizing for all those accidents he was having with loose armorments… The Christian Falagist movement thought this shit was great and they hi-fived Ariel and bombed the shit out of Beirut from afar while arguing about if Jesus was a Jew or not…

Eventually the PLO thought this wasn’t going anywhere so they got the UN to escort them to Lybia… The Syrians get bored and leave and everyone’s freaked out that the national dialogue in Lebanon is gonna be all about God now so someone assassinated the leader of the Falagist movement… Pissed off over that the Christians convince the Isrealis, who’ve now found themselves having to protect all these smelly Palestinian camps from the Christians, to let them take a peek one night and massacred hundreds of people in their beds… Feeling they can’t do any better than that they withdraw to southern Lebanon and hang out until Iran, still confused what to do with all these guns, hands them off to fundamentalists who call themselves Hizbullah…

Syria breaks out in civil way but no one really understood why…

Beirut tries to pull itself together but no one can agree on what sort of monument to erect in memorial of the tragedy the city has faced so they just start shooting each other again… The US and French had wandered in to keep the peace after the Isrealis and Syrians left and found themselves easy targets… After the US embassy went up in flames someone took a cue from a good IRA trick and conned someone to drive a truck full of explosives into army barracks killing hundreds of soldiers… The Americans don’t really know what’s going on but decide that maybe they ought to stick to fucking around with Central American politics instead and withdraw…

Hizbullah lay low until ’96 when they really start shooting rockets south until Isreal blows Beirut up again and they call it quits for now but someone had their fingers crossed…

And in 1999 Israel left…

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One night not too long ago I was in a fine drinking establishment – I honestly can’t remember which one – when 50 Cent’s “In Da Club” came on. Shocking, I know. If you’ve been semi-lucid and in the proximity of any alcohol in the past four years, this situation has happened to you. Indeed, on the racetrack of possibilities where hearing this song is the course marker, I can’t even guess at what lap this commemorated. But I’m pretty sure I’m losing. At previous listenings, this song has triggered the conditioning I underwent at the hands of high school dances where dark lights, bouncing girls, and driving bass boost heart rates and erode taste, causing me to get up and shake my thang. This masterpiece is in every DJs ‘break in case of emergency’ tool box. On this occasion, however, my Pavlovian response was on vacation and what I heard was not a man in control of his situation – a Caesar of debauchery and violence sent to lead us into a Golden Age of intoxication, ecstacy, and patriarchal absolutes – but a poser who insists on the claims he’s making all the more emphatically because deep down he’s terrified they’re not true. Not that I thought 50 was an icon of truthiness before, but the slick-yet-dirty production and intensity of the song suspended my disbelief under circumstances that could best be

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described as ‘spinny.’ Instead of a universal rallying cry for all things booty, the song became the introductory monologue of a character that you know is going to realize the hollowness of his efforts at the end of the play, unseated by a more virtuous and humble upstart; a call of desperation by someone so deep in the carrion of excess that they saw no way out. In this ironic light, the following lyrics took on a whole new meaning:

You can find me in the club, bottle full of Bud Mama, I got that X, if you into takin’ drugs I’m into having sex, I ain’t into making love So come give me a hug if you into getting rubbed… …And you should love it, way more then you hate it Nigga you mad? I thought that you’d be happy I made it I’m that cat by the bar toasting to the good life You that faggot ass nigga trying to pull me back right?

In my mind, 50 Cent went from the most indictable proponent of fratboy narcissism to one of the most brilliant critics of the same behavior. If you can hear the words in this way, it’s like one of those 3D computer generated images where you have to cross your eyes a certain way: Everything in the song takes on new meaning. Other

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mind games you can play with yourself to make life more interesting:

  1. When watching talk shows, pretend all the guests are stoned. (works better with some celebrities – Harrison Ford, surprisingly – than with others)
  2. Instead of just walking down the street, imagine you’re on top of the world rotating it with your feet. Also works when walking up stairs and feeling like you’re pushing the whole world down.

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